Christopher Dwyer, PhD :
Since COVID began, I’ve been doing food shopping for the family. A couple of weeks ago, just before I joined the line, I added a bouquet of flowers for my wife to the basket. The male cashier, trying to make conversation, asked if I was in the ‘dog house’. I told him no – in fact, I was in the ‘good books’ and intended to stay there! I know he was trying to make conversation and be funny, but I found it slightly irritating that he assumed the only reason a man would buy his significant other flowers – not on Valentine’s Day – would be in effort to apologise for something. I imagine if this was always the case, then surely men would have reinforced the women they love to absolutely hate flowers, because flowers would be forever linked with their man screwing something up!
So, this got me thinking about the importance of how we relate to our significant others; and, with Valentine’s Day this weekend, I thought it worthwhile discussing it here because it has a lot to do with the manner in which we think (or don’t think) about how we can make our spouses’ lives better and, consequently, our own. Of course, I am writing this from the perspective of a man in relation to his wife – and so, with that, it is going to be specific unto that perspective. I invite female readers to give their feedback from their perspective as well, as it could completely change the narrative. In any case, it would be interesting to compare notes and see what we can infer from such collaborative efforts!
So, why did I buy my wife flowers? Simple – I saw them, thought they looked pretty and figured that my wife would like them (especially since the house seemed kind of bare after the Christmas tree and all the decorations came down). Now, I’m not looking for brownie points or kudos or anything like that – I’m simply stating the fact that I bought my wife flowers and all it boils down to is thinking about someone else and what they might like.
Don’t get me wrong, I screw up often enough and fail to see or engage the opportunities provided to me to do the right thing all the time. However, with that, I do understand that there are better ways of apologising than giving my wife flowers. Flowers are an effortless gesture in terms of apologising. If you want to apologise, do something meaningful, relevant and effortful. Maybe, that seems a bit like a digression, given that this piece isn’t about apologising. But, it is relevant to the point I’m trying to make: men have it pretty simple with respect to doing something nice for their other half – just think about what your wife or girlfriend would like and act accordingly.
Now, what do I mean by something meaningful and effortful? What they ‘would like’ isn’t often something you would go out and purchase (though that doesn’t hurt either). It’s perhaps at this point where men are sometimes uncertain or get confused about what their other half ‘wants’. That’s fair and reasonable. However, if we make efforts to genuinely listen – well, women make it pretty easy for us – they low-key tell us”¦ all the time. No, I don’t mean through ‘nagging’. I mean they actually tell us what they would like, what would make them happy, what they want and what they need.
We as men can choose to listen or ignore these communications. For example, as alluded to above, many women (my wife included) give their men ‘opportunities’ – which may refer to many things. Regardless of to what these opportunities may refer, a decision to act or not act on them will always yield consequences. For example, your wife may explicitly state in conversation over dinner one night that she would really like to ‘go to x place’ or ‘get x fixed soon’. She is giving you the ‘opportunity’ to do something nice for her – you don’t actually have to buy her anything! It’s simple, fix that thing she wants fixed over the weekend or take her to that place she wants to go. Is she able to do it herself or drive herself there? Sure! She is very likely capable of doing these things – this is nothing to do with a sexist male/female dynamic of ability – the same applies the other way around. Simply, she wants you to fix it or you to take her there. It shows that you’re willing to give your time and effort to do something she would like and it also shows that you listen – that what she says matters to you.
Now, if this is such a simple concept, then how come not every man does this? There’s certainly some self-evaluation that’s necessary here. Will a man buy his wife something because it’s just easier? Do men avoid going places with their wives, fixing things, chores or other things their spouses would like out of laziness? Yes, this is a possibility. If one has the financial means, buying something their wife would like is definitely an easier option. However, it lacks the meaningful effort we describe. Of course, I’m not saying buying a gift is the wrong thing – I’m just saying take the opportunities given to you to ensure that you’re doing the right thing.
So, will communication of opportunity always be made explicitly? In fairness, no – there are certainly individual differences to consider with respect to clarity (men aren’t always clear either). But, if you make the effort to listen and communicate well, then that’s half the battle fought. Chances are that your spouse does a lot for you that you don’t really acknowledge (be it paying the bills, domestic tasks or simply picking something small up in the shop that you would like). This is your chance – your opportunity to give back a bit.
For example, take the traditional example of the jar with the lid screwed on tight. Your wife may hand you the jar to open it. My wife does this with me. Sometimes, she can open it herself, sometimes she can’t. If she can’t, I have helped her, I have shown her my strength and she is ‘more attracted to me’ for it. On the other hand, she may very well be able to open it, but gives it to me to open and once I do, I feel good about myself, not only because I helped, but also in terms of confidence of strength. I mean, doesn’t it feel good to open a really stuck jar for someone else?!? Sure, it’s a clichéd example, but we can apply the same mechanics of ‘opportunity’ to bigger, more meaningful situations.
So, what’s this got to do with Valentine’s Day? Well, for starters, if you’re stuck for some grand gesture due to COVID – for example, a fancy dinner, booking a hotel or whatever else you might normally plan – why not try something different? Anyone with a credit card can do these things. Why not make the effort to take some weight of your significant other’s shoulders by doing something they’ve been putting off doing? Why not do something effortful for them that you may not want to do yourself? Why not consider all the ‘opportunities’ you’ve been recently presented and do some of them? Just like the dinner and hotel examples above, flowers, chocolates and a nice card are never a bad idea, but again, they’re ‘effortless’ and so the ‘gifts’ you give should not end there – do something meaningful and effortful as well. Fix that sink, clean out the shed, give her a lie-in, cook and clean the dishes. Then, once Valentine’s Day is said and done, think about continuing the practice of doing meaningful and effortful things for your wife on a daily basis. Think about it this way: when you do meaningful and effortful things for someone else, you’re also giving them opportunities to show you love and appreciation.
In conclusion, we need to acknowledge that when living in a couple, each person gives the other ‘opportunities’ to treat them well. We need to ensure that we engage such opportunities in order to make them feel loved, appreciated and to better their lives. Isn’t that the point of being in the relationship with them? Yes; and even though these ‘opportunities’ will sometimes be tedious and bothersome, the beauty of it is, your spouse will love you more for it and that ultimately makes your life better!
(Christopher Dwyer, Ph.D., is a post-doctoral researcher at the National University of Ireland, Galway).
